Do you still think self-love is narcissistic?

The moment self-love comes up, you might feel a strong resistance towards it, right? This does not happen because it is bad or negative, but because a negative connotation got attached to it over time, and we have forgotten the blurry boundaries between what self-love is and being narcissistic. Let’s try to uncover some misunderstandings around it-

We are aware of the brief history of this word's origin (associated with Narcissus from Greek mythology; Ellis, 1898; Pulver, 1970), and it has been studied by several scholars (e.g., Freud, 1914; Kernberg, 1975).

• Narcissism is defined as an inflated image of oneself, disrespect for others and lack of empathy, a sense of entitlement to exceptional treatment from others, and self-centeredness (American Psychiatric Association, 2013; Krizan & Herlache, 2018; Millon & Davis, 1996).

• Furthermore, narcissism has been found to be linked to aggression, attention-seeking behavior, and depressive tendencies, especially vulnerable and pathological narcissism (Bushman & Baumeister, 1998; Twenge & Campbell, 2003; Wallace & Baumeister, 2002).

Given that narcissism is such a nuanced term and encompasses different facets, reducing it simply to an exaggerated form of self-love (American Psychological Association [APA], 2023) gives way to misunderstanding and resistance towards constructs that need more exploration and critical reflection.

Although self-love has been conceptualized in research via self-esteem and self-compassion (e.g., Bushman & Baumeister, 2002; Campbell et al., 2002; He & Zhu, 2016; Schmitt & Allik, 2005), these constructs are, in fact, quite different. While self-esteem is based on certain conditions and self-evaluation, self-compassion is based on the suffering aspect (Coppersmith, 1967; Rosenberg, 1965; Wallace, 2010). Since narcissism has been studied in relation to self-esteem, self-compassion, and other similar constructs conceptualized as self-love, it is easier to fall into the pit of misunderstanding of what love means in the first place.

• With self-love being studied for centuries by philosophers and theologians (e.g., Evans, 2005; Gallagher, 1999; Weaver, 2002; Wood, 2016), they were of the view that loving oneself is the prerequisite for showing us as our best selves for others (Aristotle, 2007; Kant, 1967; Mencius, 2017), which stands in stark contrast to narcissism, implying a lack of empathy for others.

• A study indicated how narcissism has also been misunderstood, whereby it is not self-love, but rather self-loathing in disguise (Kowalchyk et al., 2021). To be more precise, those with high narcissism are not truly in love with themselves; rather, it is an indication of being in love with the image they have created for themselves, devoid of self-worth and a true connection with oneself (Lowen, 1983; Vaknin, 2015).

• Interestingly, Fromm (1939, 2013) indicated that the basis of narcissism was a lack of love for oneself. Unlike narcissism, self-love has been tied to resilience, especially in moments of emotional turbulence, helps prevent psychological health issues, and further extends to the aging process marked by limited functionality, which becomes critical, especially for women (Fromm, 1939; Schrader, 2016; Solimar, 1987). It has further been used in several therapeutic approaches (e.g., Gilligan, 1997).

  
  

Most importantly, self-acceptance sits at the heart of self-love and involves embracing ourselves holistically, including our flawed selves (Orbanic, 2001; Samiei, 2015; Solimar, 1987). This does not mean we should stop working towards improving ourselves, but not by degrading ourselves. Imagine if you accepted yourself completely, how easier it would be to understand the other person (your partner, child, co-worker, etc) who does not behave as per your way?

Let's keep climbing the ladder of self-improvement without belittling ourselves or others!

(Photograph supplied by author)

References

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Bushman, B. J., & Baumeister, R. F. (2002). Does self-love or self-hate lead to violence? Journal of Research in Personality, 36(6), 543–545. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0092-6566(02)00502-0

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